Yes, There Is Life After Divorce
By Lori Rubenstein, JD, CPC
Divorce Mediator and Life Coach
If you have been married, or lived together in a committed
relationship, you are not naive about love and relationships.
You know that a successful relationship is based on much more
than physical attraction. It is based on common goals, values
and beliefs. Successful relationships have a foundation of
continual communication, respect and support for each other.
It is my goal through this series to prepare you not just
for a relationship, but to allow a spiritual partner into
your life. Some people call this finding your "soulmate".
In this relationship, you will not be asking the question,
"what can you do for me", but "what can I do for you!" You
will gain great joy from being loving and giving, and your
partner will feel the same way!
That does NOT mean there will be no challenges. In fact,
when you ask for your soul mate or a spiritual partner, that
usually means spiritual growth... and that means constantly
looking at yourself, evaluating your behavior, and making
positive changes!
The number one fear I have witnessed in people thinking about
starting a new relationship is the fear of falling in love
and getting hurt again. If trust is an issue for you, then
your goal is to learn how to trust yourself (not the other
person) so that no matter what happens, you can handle it.
This means letting go of the unrealistic attempt to CONTROL
the outcome of the relationship. Your new mantra has to be,
"whatever happens...I can handle it!"
Are you really ready to date?
Take this readiness test to see if you are ready to allow
a new partner into your life: Answer each question true or
false
1. I have been divorced at least 6 months, or separated
more than 1 year.
2. Any victimization feeling I had during my divorce has
subsided.
3. I have taken responsibility for my divorce, and I have
taken appropriate steps to recognize my part in the divorce
and did the necessary work to make sure those particular
behaviors/beliefs or actions to not recur in my next relationship.
4. I have dealt with the loss of dreams and future visions
I had in my last relationship.
5. I now feel neutral towards my ex-partner.
6. I can put my children's needs ahead of my own feelings
towards my ex.
7. I have forgiven my previous partner.
8. I have forgiven myself for my part in the creation of
our problems.
9. I know what my values and beliefs are, and I feel confident
in myself.
10. I like myself; I just feel that my life would be even
more fulfilled if I had someone to share it with.
If you answered true to 8 or more questions, then you are
ready to date and seek your spiritual partner. If you honestly
answered false to three or more of these questions, then it
is time to work on yourself, hire a counselor or coach, attend
a self-help group, or purchase some good books on self-growth
after divorce.
It is important for you to first become the person you want
to be, who will then attract the person you want in your life.
For example, let's say you want a person who is financially
stable. This is important to you because during your last
relationship, you had to file bankruptcy and that was emotionally
difficult for you and you do not want to ever go through that
again. As a coach I would ask you to examine your own beliefs
around money and wealth.
- What did you learn from your parents about finances?
- Did you grow up feeling there would never be enough?
- Did you play that out during your marriage by bringing
your "never enough" beliefs to that relationship?
- Did you attract the person you most feared, someone who
was irresponsible with money?
Now, you don't want to attract or create the same difficult
financial situation with a new partner. So you must ask yourself,
what is my current belief around manifesting abundance? If
you are still stuck in the "not enough" place, then you will
NOT attract financial stability into your life! I recommend
that you work on releasing your fears around those issues.
That is what I mean by working on any left over issues from
the previous relationship before you can move forward in a
really healthy way.
More food for thought: Have you dealt with your feelings
around this transition in your life? Did you know that divorce
is in the top five stressors you can have in your life? It
is normal to have experienced many tough feelings and emotions
during this time period, such as loss, fear, resentment, doubt,
anxiety, confusion, distrust, and feelings of being unproductive.
Before you move on, it is necessary for you to have recognized
and dealt with these feelings as they came up. Did you do
that?
You are ready to start dating if you did the work I hope
you did in the time period following your separation or divorce,
and you know the answers to these questions:
- What are the gifts of your relationship?
- What did you learn?
- What are you most thankful for?
Now, as you get ready to date, it is important that your
feelings be in the ballpark of anticipation, energized, confidence,
satisfaction, focus and creativity. In my book, Transcend
Through Divorce, my very first guideline is "Listen to
others and then listen to your intuition". This is important
because everyone you know is an expert on divorce and relationships
and they are all ready to give you advice.
In my 18 years as a family law attorney, I have heard some
crazy advice! And I can tell you that people who listen to
their own inner voice grow through divorce quicker than those
who listen to everyone else.
What is your own inner voice telling you about dating? Are
you ready? Ask yourself, "why do I want to date? Am I only
looking to date so that I can feel better about myself?" I
have seen many people choose the dating route and get caught
up in lustful feelings... because truthfully, it does feel
good. In fact, it feels great to have someone in your life
who thinks you are the greatest. But if it is only about lust,
it is temporary...and what I want you for is the ability to
create a conscious partnership.
If you have taken the path of self-growth after your last
relationship and you are clear about your part in the divorce
or breakup, you have forgiven your ex and you passed the readiness
test, and you are able to articulate the gifts from your relationship
and your intuition tells you YES!, then you are ready to start
dating.
Go forth and be brave! Remember, have fun, be trusting (that
does not mean be naive), be loving and KNOW that whatever
comes your way, can handle it!
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