By
Lori Rubenstein, JD, CPC
© 2008
I
feel incredibly blessed to have spent my daughter's high school graduation
with all the most important men in my life, including my son, father,
both of my ex-husbands, and an ex-boyfriend.
Everyone
was extremely generous in allowing each other to just be who they are,
without ramifications or judgments, all putting aside their own issues
for the sake of this beautiful young woman. I sat there counting my blessings
and took great joy in recognizing the differences in each person. One
has a huge heart; three are very intelligent; another has unconditional
love for all of us. We laughed and laughed. We worked well together in
preparing meals and cleaning up afterwards.
Oh did I
mention, they all stayed at my house?
Of course,
there was some competition, especially during game time and bowling. We
recognized which parent our children got their issues from, like my daughter's
unhappiness when she does not win comes from her father's side, and her
outspokenness comes from my side. My son definitely has his father's sense
of humor. I have my father's passion for food.
These are
some things that are rarely discussed with the child's other parent when
there is a divorce. Who gets to have "family" photos taken after divorces?
Who gets to spend 2 or 3 days with their ex-spouses years after a divorce?
These joys
come to people who truly forgive. Yes, these are the blessings of forgiveness.
I write
about this because it breaks my heart to see so many people holding onto
anger and resentment about a spouse. My book, Transcending
Divorce, has a whole chapter on how to forgive your ex, and I
have a 40 minute mp3 with a forgiveness exercise on it. Ultimately, you
will learn, there is nothing really to forgive, that we were all playing
our little roles, and that there is no right or wrong, it is merely the
illusion of our thinking leads us to believe in this right/wrong dichotomy.
My recommendation?
Give your children the gift of both parents who love them. They don't
benefit by your anger or resentment towards their parent. Allow them to
experience special days, graduations, birthdays, marriages, births, with
both parents who love them. Be the loving, accepting, non-judgmental parent.
That is what this Step Up newsletter is all about... take that leap of
faith. And if you need help with that, let me know how I can be of service
to you.
Blessings
to you... Lori
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